Waiting, Weeping and What If's

A sonogram I took last Thursday shows something they want to biopsy. When I heard this news I wept and found my mind filling with "What if?" questions. Have you ever entertained what if questions? These are the kinds of questions that can grip your heart and squeeze until you feel like you have no breath left. Some of the questions that raced through my mind were: What if I didn't hear from God?, What if what I'm doing isn't working?, What if I have to fight cancer again?, What if I'm not really in remission like my doctor just said I was?

What if's are dead end roads. They take you nowhere but on a journey of fear, anxiety and depression. What if's are taunts from the Giant. In I Samuel 17:23-24 we read that all the Israelite men ran from Goliath in great fear when they heard his taunts. When David and Goliath finally met face to face the taunts were hurled again. "David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty..."(verse 45).

How do we overcome the fear that what if's bring? We come against them in the name of the Lord Almighty. Next time a giant what if question races into your mind do as David did and say, "I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty." We are told in II Corinthians 15:5 to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Giants wage war on many fronts and our minds can be our most vulnerable battle field.

Many of us forget that David's battle with giants did not end with Goliath. The Israelites fought several more battles in 2 Samuel 21. The Bible tells us that David became exhausted as he engaged in battle again. You may know that feeling. I do. When I left my doctors office after the sonogram a great wave of battle fatigue overwhelmed me. I told Sewell that I just didn't want to cry anymore. I feel I have spent the last year crying. There is weariness in battling not just cancer but the emotions that go with it. There may not be another giant of cancer for me to face but the waiting time for test results is a battle all of its own.

I remind myself that God's love and faithfulness have already helped me battle this giant for the past year and He never changes. He will hold me and help me to continue to have the victory. Again I am choosing to rush this giant of waiting with a God saturated soul. In Max Lucado's book Facing Your Giant he encourages all of us by saying, "Focus on giants-you stumble. Focus on God-your giants tumble. Lift your eyes, giant-slayer. The God who made a miracle out of David stands ready to make one out of you."

P.S. I wrote this and forgot to post it! I had the biopsy yesterday. It was not fun but I did manage to joke my way through it. It was either that or cry my way through it! I also prayed, recited all the scripture I know and sang the song Healer to myself. They had a new instrument they were testing out and I drew the lucky number. I don't know if that was why it took 3 tries of going in (and out) to get the sample they needed but it's over and now I am waiting for the results. I should have those by Monday or Tuesday.