The New Normal

Tonight Chalese graduates from San Diego State and Cori graduates from Christian High School. To me, graduations signify the closing of a chapter of life and the beginning of a new chapter. Most graduates move forward and don't spend much time looking back. At times in our own lives I think we look back and wish for things to be the way they used to be. I know I do. During this battle with cancer I have often found myself longing for life as it was.

This week I read something that struck a cord in my heart. Don Piper is a Christian author of a book titled 90 Minutes In Heaven. It tells the story of the automobile accident in which he was proclaimed dead at the scene. He remained dead for 90 minutes and then through the prayers of a man who crawled into the car and prayed for him he came back to life. He recounts his experience of being in heaven for those 90 minutes. When he came back to life he was faced with the reality of a body that had been completely mangled. Months of hospitalization and 34 surgeries awaited him. The book tells the story of his journey through it all. In a chapter titled The New Normal he says, "Some things happen to us from which we never recover and disrupt the normalcy of our lives. That's how life is. Human nature has the tendency to try to reconstruct old ways and pick up where we left off. If we're wise, we won't continue to go back to the way things were (we can't anyway.). We must instead forget the old standard and accept a "new normal." Yes, I said to myself, there are things I will never be able to do again. I don't like that and may even hate it, but that doesn't change the way things are. The sooner I make peace with that fact and accept the way things are, the sooner I'll be able to live in peace and enjoy my new normalcy."

I was challenged by these words. I don't think I have been able to accept my "new normal" in my heart. Yes, in my head I know my life will never be as it was before cancer but I don't think I had truly accepted it in my emotions. I realize I have spent quite a bit of time longing for the way things used to be. I don't think I had really made peace with the way things are and are going to be for the rest of my life. I was living my "new normal" but not really enjoying it. Leaving all my comfort foods and eating habits behind was extremely difficult and still is. Embracing new tastes is equally challenging. Facing the reality of lymphedema has also been hard. I got a slight case from doing a Teen Korps project May 3rd. For those of you who aren't familiar with lymphedema it's swelling of the arm due to scar tissue that forms from removing the lymph nodes. The scar tissue doesn't allow the fluid to drain correctly and it backs up when there is over exertion. At the time I didn't feel pain and I didn't know I was over exerting myself until about 2 days later when my arm swelled and became painful. It will either go down or remain for life. Please pray it will go down and the pain will leave.

I want to be able to do as much physical exercise as I used to be without fear of lymphedema. I want to be able to eat Almond Joys and Ice cream. I don't want to drink green/carrot juice every day of my life. I don't want to learn how to cook all over again without sugar, dairy, meat or white flour. I don't want to keep going to the doctor for check ups. But I know my old lifestyle is a closed chapter of my life. Like my two daughters who are graduating, I too must move forward and accept my "new normal" and make peace with it.

Right after I read this chapter and pondered these words God did an amazing thing for me. I was at the Senior Retreat in Anaheim and we were going to Medieval Times for their show. The menu was roasted chicken, ribs, potatoes, and dessert. I fully expected to have to just eat a potato or something like that which is what usually happens when you are at a group function like this. To my surprise they served a vegetarian meal which came out last. I was shocked at how delicious it was! Everyone else had to eat with their fingers but they provided me with a fork and a knife! For the first time since August 30th when I began this eating adventure I felt as if I was getting the better deal! I did not feel envious of what other people were eating but thought they should be envious of my health giving food. For maybe the first time I was truly at peace with my "new normal."

I pray that if you are struggling with a "new normal" that God will help you make peace with it and accept it as part of His wonderful plan for your life. I encourage you to not look back at what was, but move forward to what is. It's okay to grieve over what has been lost but don't stay there. Close that chapter and open a new one. Trust that God knows what is best for you. Someday I want to be able to say that I would never go back to what used to be even if I could choose it. I want to walk joyfully in God's perfect sovereignty for my life. I hope you'll join me!