In this journey I have been on this last year I feel as if I have been in battle and survival mode. So much of my life has changed and one of the things I feared would change would be my ability to lead teenagers on the mission field. Because of my strict diet and sleep requirements I didn't think I would be able to go with Teen Mania this summer. I have gone on 3 other trips with them and it has always been the highlight of my year. As I was pondering and grieving over yet another loss God began to speak to me about my lack of faith. If I was trusting Him (and not my diet) as my ultimate source of healing what little faith it shows to believe He could not sustain me for a few weeks while serving Him. I decided not to let fear keep me from doing what I love and what gives me a true sense of purpose. I called Teen Mania and signed up to go on a 2 week trip to El Salvador. I leave next Friday and will come back on the 23rd of June. While in El Salvador we will be working in schools helping the students with their English and teaching Vacation Bible School. In the evenings we will be going into the parks and perform a powerful drama that presents the gospel message. We will have time to pray for people and minister to them. Cori will be going to New York with Teen Mania to help Bill Wilson's Metro Ministries at the same time I am gone. It will be nice to fly to Texas with her and be there for training camp.
I am packing some powdered carrot juice, Lara bars, raw almonds and anything else that will be healthy for me. Whatever food is available that I can eat I will and if there isn't much I will just do some mini fasts which are always healthy. I am believing God will take care of me either way.
Philippians 3:12 says,
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. "
For the first time since being diagnosed with cancer I am beginning to feel like I am pressing forward to take hold of the things God has for me. Part of that means leading people to Christ and helping teenagers fall more in love with Jesus.
My encouragement to you today is that no matter how many obstacles are in your way, exercise your faith and trust in God to remove them. Don't let fear keep you from pressing on. Be bold and courageous for His names sake. Ecclesiastes 9:1 says, "The wise and what they do are in God's hands." By faith put your future in His hands and trust Him to walk you through each day.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
The New Normal
Tonight Chalese graduates from San Diego State and Cori graduates from Christian High School. To me, graduations signify the closing of a chapter of life and the beginning of a new chapter. Most graduates move forward and don't spend much time looking back. At times in our own lives I think we look back and wish for things to be the way they used to be. I know I do. During this battle with cancer I have often found myself longing for life as it was.
This week I read something that struck a cord in my heart. Don Piper is a Christian author of a book titled 90 Minutes In Heaven. It tells the story of the automobile accident in which he was proclaimed dead at the scene. He remained dead for 90 minutes and then through the prayers of a man who crawled into the car and prayed for him he came back to life. He recounts his experience of being in heaven for those 90 minutes. When he came back to life he was faced with the reality of a body that had been completely mangled. Months of hospitalization and 34 surgeries awaited him. The book tells the story of his journey through it all. In a chapter titled The New Normal he says, "Some things happen to us from which we never recover and disrupt the normalcy of our lives. That's how life is. Human nature has the tendency to try to reconstruct old ways and pick up where we left off. If we're wise, we won't continue to go back to the way things were (we can't anyway.). We must instead forget the old standard and accept a "new normal." Yes, I said to myself, there are things I will never be able to do again. I don't like that and may even hate it, but that doesn't change the way things are. The sooner I make peace with that fact and accept the way things are, the sooner I'll be able to live in peace and enjoy my new normalcy."
I was challenged by these words. I don't think I have been able to accept my "new normal" in my heart. Yes, in my head I know my life will never be as it was before cancer but I don't think I had truly accepted it in my emotions. I realize I have spent quite a bit of time longing for the way things used to be. I don't think I had really made peace with the way things are and are going to be for the rest of my life. I was living my "new normal" but not really enjoying it. Leaving all my comfort foods and eating habits behind was extremely difficult and still is. Embracing new tastes is equally challenging. Facing the reality of lymphedema has also been hard. I got a slight case from doing a Teen Korps project May 3rd. For those of you who aren't familiar with lymphedema it's swelling of the arm due to scar tissue that forms from removing the lymph nodes. The scar tissue doesn't allow the fluid to drain correctly and it backs up when there is over exertion. At the time I didn't feel pain and I didn't know I was over exerting myself until about 2 days later when my arm swelled and became painful. It will either go down or remain for life. Please pray it will go down and the pain will leave.
I want to be able to do as much physical exercise as I used to be without fear of lymphedema. I want to be able to eat Almond Joys and Ice cream. I don't want to drink green/carrot juice every day of my life. I don't want to learn how to cook all over again without sugar, dairy, meat or white flour. I don't want to keep going to the doctor for check ups. But I know my old lifestyle is a closed chapter of my life. Like my two daughters who are graduating, I too must move forward and accept my "new normal" and make peace with it.
Right after I read this chapter and pondered these words God did an amazing thing for me. I was at the Senior Retreat in Anaheim and we were going to Medieval Times for their show. The menu was roasted chicken, ribs, potatoes, and dessert. I fully expected to have to just eat a potato or something like that which is what usually happens when you are at a group function like this. To my surprise they served a vegetarian meal which came out last. I was shocked at how delicious it was! Everyone else had to eat with their fingers but they provided me with a fork and a knife! For the first time since August 30th when I began this eating adventure I felt as if I was getting the better deal! I did not feel envious of what other people were eating but thought they should be envious of my health giving food. For maybe the first time I was truly at peace with my "new normal."
I pray that if you are struggling with a "new normal" that God will help you make peace with it and accept it as part of His wonderful plan for your life. I encourage you to not look back at what was, but move forward to what is. It's okay to grieve over what has been lost but don't stay there. Close that chapter and open a new one. Trust that God knows what is best for you. Someday I want to be able to say that I would never go back to what used to be even if I could choose it. I want to walk joyfully in God's perfect sovereignty for my life. I hope you'll join me!
This week I read something that struck a cord in my heart. Don Piper is a Christian author of a book titled 90 Minutes In Heaven. It tells the story of the automobile accident in which he was proclaimed dead at the scene. He remained dead for 90 minutes and then through the prayers of a man who crawled into the car and prayed for him he came back to life. He recounts his experience of being in heaven for those 90 minutes. When he came back to life he was faced with the reality of a body that had been completely mangled. Months of hospitalization and 34 surgeries awaited him. The book tells the story of his journey through it all. In a chapter titled The New Normal he says, "Some things happen to us from which we never recover and disrupt the normalcy of our lives. That's how life is. Human nature has the tendency to try to reconstruct old ways and pick up where we left off. If we're wise, we won't continue to go back to the way things were (we can't anyway.). We must instead forget the old standard and accept a "new normal." Yes, I said to myself, there are things I will never be able to do again. I don't like that and may even hate it, but that doesn't change the way things are. The sooner I make peace with that fact and accept the way things are, the sooner I'll be able to live in peace and enjoy my new normalcy."
I was challenged by these words. I don't think I have been able to accept my "new normal" in my heart. Yes, in my head I know my life will never be as it was before cancer but I don't think I had truly accepted it in my emotions. I realize I have spent quite a bit of time longing for the way things used to be. I don't think I had really made peace with the way things are and are going to be for the rest of my life. I was living my "new normal" but not really enjoying it. Leaving all my comfort foods and eating habits behind was extremely difficult and still is. Embracing new tastes is equally challenging. Facing the reality of lymphedema has also been hard. I got a slight case from doing a Teen Korps project May 3rd. For those of you who aren't familiar with lymphedema it's swelling of the arm due to scar tissue that forms from removing the lymph nodes. The scar tissue doesn't allow the fluid to drain correctly and it backs up when there is over exertion. At the time I didn't feel pain and I didn't know I was over exerting myself until about 2 days later when my arm swelled and became painful. It will either go down or remain for life. Please pray it will go down and the pain will leave.
I want to be able to do as much physical exercise as I used to be without fear of lymphedema. I want to be able to eat Almond Joys and Ice cream. I don't want to drink green/carrot juice every day of my life. I don't want to learn how to cook all over again without sugar, dairy, meat or white flour. I don't want to keep going to the doctor for check ups. But I know my old lifestyle is a closed chapter of my life. Like my two daughters who are graduating, I too must move forward and accept my "new normal" and make peace with it.
Right after I read this chapter and pondered these words God did an amazing thing for me. I was at the Senior Retreat in Anaheim and we were going to Medieval Times for their show. The menu was roasted chicken, ribs, potatoes, and dessert. I fully expected to have to just eat a potato or something like that which is what usually happens when you are at a group function like this. To my surprise they served a vegetarian meal which came out last. I was shocked at how delicious it was! Everyone else had to eat with their fingers but they provided me with a fork and a knife! For the first time since August 30th when I began this eating adventure I felt as if I was getting the better deal! I did not feel envious of what other people were eating but thought they should be envious of my health giving food. For maybe the first time I was truly at peace with my "new normal."
I pray that if you are struggling with a "new normal" that God will help you make peace with it and accept it as part of His wonderful plan for your life. I encourage you to not look back at what was, but move forward to what is. It's okay to grieve over what has been lost but don't stay there. Close that chapter and open a new one. Trust that God knows what is best for you. Someday I want to be able to say that I would never go back to what used to be even if I could choose it. I want to walk joyfully in God's perfect sovereignty for my life. I hope you'll join me!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Perseverance
Today is a bittersweet mother's day. It is my first without my mom. I know Sewell and I have more of those in front of us with his father dying this year too. Like endless days this year it is one more where I cling to Him for comfort to walk through it. It's impossible to know how much pain you can withstand until it comes into your life. I am sure many of you reading this have faced your own intense pain in various forms. Some of you have probably experienced greater loss than I have. We have all had to persevere and keep moving forward.
A student of mine wrote these words on his final Health paper about what he had learned in class; "I want to thank you for all you've shown me and some areas in life that I should work on. One thing that I was amazed at was your perseverance. You kept on going even though you could have taken the rest of the year off due to cancer, taken more time off from the deaths in your family, taken more time off from the attacks on your husband, you could have been home for the rest of the year and yet you still came. I don't know how you keep it up. As a teacher and as a person you've been an example of how to keep going even when the odds were against you."
James 1:2 came to my mind. It says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I certainly have faced trials of many kinds this year. I know my faith is being tested and I am trying to develop perseverance through it all. The end result is that perseverance is what makes me mature and complete. The trials are just the means God uses.
You never know who is watching your life as you walk through your trials. One thing I have learned this year is that my trials are not just to develop character traits in my own life but in the lives of those who are around me. I thank God that one of my students noticed my perseverance and in turn is encouraged to persevere through his own trials.
People say I have been strong through all of this but they do not know how weak I really have been. I feel I have cried through most of the year or have been on the verge of tears most days. My strength has come as I have faced God before facing my day. As I wait before Him I know He is giving me the will and the strength to walk through the day. I know the giant of despair and depression are no match for me.
So today I am thankful He will help me persevere through another tough day. My tears don't bother Him and neither does my weakness. I am trying to work on the "consider it all joy" part of James. It's a tough one. Jesus knew all these painful days would be here before I did. He knew how I would respond. I pray I have not disappointed Him.
A student of mine wrote these words on his final Health paper about what he had learned in class; "I want to thank you for all you've shown me and some areas in life that I should work on. One thing that I was amazed at was your perseverance. You kept on going even though you could have taken the rest of the year off due to cancer, taken more time off from the deaths in your family, taken more time off from the attacks on your husband, you could have been home for the rest of the year and yet you still came. I don't know how you keep it up. As a teacher and as a person you've been an example of how to keep going even when the odds were against you."
James 1:2 came to my mind. It says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I certainly have faced trials of many kinds this year. I know my faith is being tested and I am trying to develop perseverance through it all. The end result is that perseverance is what makes me mature and complete. The trials are just the means God uses.
You never know who is watching your life as you walk through your trials. One thing I have learned this year is that my trials are not just to develop character traits in my own life but in the lives of those who are around me. I thank God that one of my students noticed my perseverance and in turn is encouraged to persevere through his own trials.
People say I have been strong through all of this but they do not know how weak I really have been. I feel I have cried through most of the year or have been on the verge of tears most days. My strength has come as I have faced God before facing my day. As I wait before Him I know He is giving me the will and the strength to walk through the day. I know the giant of despair and depression are no match for me.
So today I am thankful He will help me persevere through another tough day. My tears don't bother Him and neither does my weakness. I am trying to work on the "consider it all joy" part of James. It's a tough one. Jesus knew all these painful days would be here before I did. He knew how I would respond. I pray I have not disappointed Him.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Anvil Time
Anvil Time
by Max Lucado
On God's anvil. Perhaps you've been there.
Melted down. Formless. Undone. Placed on the anvil for...reshaping? (A few rough edges too many.) Discipline? (A good father disciplines.) Testing? (But why so hard?)
I know. I've been on it. It's rough. It's a spiritual slump, a famine. The fire goes out. Although the fire may flame for a moment, it soon disappears. We drift downward. Downward into the foggy valley of question, the misty lowland of discouragement. Motivation wanes. Desire is distant. Responsibilities are depressing.
Passion? It slips out the door.
Enthusiasm? Are you kidding?
Anvil time.
It can be caused by a death, a breakup, going broke, going prayerless. The light switch is flipped off and the room darkens. "All the thoughtful words of help and hope have all been nicely said. But I'm still hurting, wondering....."
On the anvil.
Brought face to face with God out of the utter realization that we have nowhere else to go. Jesus in the garden. Peter with a tear-streaked face. David after Bathsheba. Elijah and the "still, small voice." Paul, blind in Damascus.
Pound, pound, pound.
I hope you're not on the anvil. (Unless you need to be, and if so, I hope you are.) Anvil time is not to be avoided; it's to be experienced. Although the tunnel is dark, it does go through the mountain. Anvil time reminds us of who we are and who God is. We shouldn't try to escape it. To escape it could be to escape God.
God sees our life from beginning to end. He may lead us through a storm at age thirty so we can endure a hurricane at age sixty. An instrument is useful only if it's in the right shape. A dull ax or bent screwdriver needs attention, and so do we. A good blacksmith keeps his tools in shape. So does God.
Should God place you on his anvil, be thankful. It means he thinks you're still worth reshaping.
by Max Lucado
On God's anvil. Perhaps you've been there.
Melted down. Formless. Undone. Placed on the anvil for...reshaping? (A few rough edges too many.) Discipline? (A good father disciplines.) Testing? (But why so hard?)
I know. I've been on it. It's rough. It's a spiritual slump, a famine. The fire goes out. Although the fire may flame for a moment, it soon disappears. We drift downward. Downward into the foggy valley of question, the misty lowland of discouragement. Motivation wanes. Desire is distant. Responsibilities are depressing.
Passion? It slips out the door.
Enthusiasm? Are you kidding?
Anvil time.
It can be caused by a death, a breakup, going broke, going prayerless. The light switch is flipped off and the room darkens. "All the thoughtful words of help and hope have all been nicely said. But I'm still hurting, wondering....."
On the anvil.
Brought face to face with God out of the utter realization that we have nowhere else to go. Jesus in the garden. Peter with a tear-streaked face. David after Bathsheba. Elijah and the "still, small voice." Paul, blind in Damascus.
Pound, pound, pound.
I hope you're not on the anvil. (Unless you need to be, and if so, I hope you are.) Anvil time is not to be avoided; it's to be experienced. Although the tunnel is dark, it does go through the mountain. Anvil time reminds us of who we are and who God is. We shouldn't try to escape it. To escape it could be to escape God.
God sees our life from beginning to end. He may lead us through a storm at age thirty so we can endure a hurricane at age sixty. An instrument is useful only if it's in the right shape. A dull ax or bent screwdriver needs attention, and so do we. A good blacksmith keeps his tools in shape. So does God.
Should God place you on his anvil, be thankful. It means he thinks you're still worth reshaping.
Friday, May 2, 2008
We were told by Animal Control that it looked like they would release the Pit Bull that attacked my husband back to the owner! We submitted statements from neighbors about their experience with this dog. Animal Control also came to Sewell's work and spoke with him. As of yesterday they were not going to release the dog back to the owner. They did not say what was going to happen to it. The owner can appeal the decision.
Meanwhile Sewell has had a difficult emotional and physical healing process. His arm got infected and he had to go back in and get it numbed so they could open up the puncture wounds and drain it. That was incredibly painful and made him sick to his stomach. Yesterday we went to see the doctor to have the stitches in his leg removed and he is concerned about the redness around the bite that has appeared in the last few days. He put Sewell on 2 strong antibiotics and told him if it doesn't look better by Monday he wants him to see an infectious disease specialist. Sewell is extremely tired and his blood pressure is high. The saga continues.
Meanwhile, we are continuing to trust God for the good He has in all of this as promised in Romans 8:28. Someone recently told me that the trials Sewell and I have been through this year reminded them of Job. I know Job suffered much greater losses than we have but there is something to be learned from him. After he had lost his health, his wealth and his children he was having a conversation with God. In the last chapter of Job he says these interesting words in verse 4: "You said, Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you will answer me. My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."
Job said he could see God but it was only once he had been through the pain and suffering God allowed to come into His life. As a result of the loss and pain he had experienced he could see God with eyes of faith and spiritual understanding and trust God's plan for His life. At the end of this chapter God commended Job for speaking what was right about Him. Job purposed to trust God in the midst of all suffering. Chapter 23 verse 10 says, "But He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as pure gold." When Job was told by his servant that all his children and servants had been killed he fell to the ground in worship. Chapter 1 verse 22 says, "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing."
In the midst of your own trials can you worship God? Do you blame God or do you accept His will for you life? Job knew God was refining his character through the fiery trials. Refining fire is not fun or pleasant but necessary. It will show you who you really are. It will reveal your heart of faith. God is looking for a response of love, trust and faith. My goal is to pass the test and please my Father!
Meanwhile Sewell has had a difficult emotional and physical healing process. His arm got infected and he had to go back in and get it numbed so they could open up the puncture wounds and drain it. That was incredibly painful and made him sick to his stomach. Yesterday we went to see the doctor to have the stitches in his leg removed and he is concerned about the redness around the bite that has appeared in the last few days. He put Sewell on 2 strong antibiotics and told him if it doesn't look better by Monday he wants him to see an infectious disease specialist. Sewell is extremely tired and his blood pressure is high. The saga continues.
Meanwhile, we are continuing to trust God for the good He has in all of this as promised in Romans 8:28. Someone recently told me that the trials Sewell and I have been through this year reminded them of Job. I know Job suffered much greater losses than we have but there is something to be learned from him. After he had lost his health, his wealth and his children he was having a conversation with God. In the last chapter of Job he says these interesting words in verse 4: "You said, Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you will answer me. My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."
Job said he could see God but it was only once he had been through the pain and suffering God allowed to come into His life. As a result of the loss and pain he had experienced he could see God with eyes of faith and spiritual understanding and trust God's plan for His life. At the end of this chapter God commended Job for speaking what was right about Him. Job purposed to trust God in the midst of all suffering. Chapter 23 verse 10 says, "But He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as pure gold." When Job was told by his servant that all his children and servants had been killed he fell to the ground in worship. Chapter 1 verse 22 says, "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing."
In the midst of your own trials can you worship God? Do you blame God or do you accept His will for you life? Job knew God was refining his character through the fiery trials. Refining fire is not fun or pleasant but necessary. It will show you who you really are. It will reveal your heart of faith. God is looking for a response of love, trust and faith. My goal is to pass the test and please my Father!
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